Allowing Ourselves To Grieve

Lying in bed just now, watching a show chronicling the grief of a family that lost loved ones in the crash of TWA Flight 800, I was struck by my own grief, felt over and over again through my years with Lyme disease. I remembered the first time I read a book about chronic illness that addressed the issue of grieving for the lives we've lost through illness rather than through death, and I remembered the incredible feeling of understanding that came over me. The book was talking about what I'd been feeling! I had been going through all those stages of grief and didn't even realize it! It addressed how you don't always move smoothly through the stages, often repeating certain stages or spending longer in some than in others. This all felt so familiar to me, and it was as if pieces of an emotional puzzle were coming together into something that made sense. Somehow, in making sense, it was easier to accept the rambling feelings I'd been experiencing.

Now, as I said, I was reminded of this tonight listening to the stories of those grieving for their loved ones. I do not wish this to sound self-serving in any way, as if I don't appreciate what they are going through - I certainly do. However, it occurred to me that I had not only gone through these stages of grieving in the beginning, but had now been through them again and again, countless times. In fact, I am going through them again now. You see, these last three or four months have been my worst ever medically. This week I've been in bed, suffering the aftereffects of an allergic reaction to a drug. It occurred to me that I was not crying solely for the people I empathized with on my television screen, but for myself as well. I'm sure that may sound selfish to some, and familiar to others, but I'm no longer ashamed to say it. You see, once again tonight, when I realized I was grieving again, it filled me with such a sense of relief somehow - just like the first time. There was a pattern, a reason, a goal for what I was going through. I was once again grieving for another part of me lost.

I think we all need to look at ourselves from a grieving aspect and forgive ourselves a little. Sure, we may drive our spouses and families and friends crazy sometimes with our erratic emotions, our wild mood swings, our crying at Hallmark commercials, but we're going through a process. It's not the first time we're going through it, nor will it be our last time - we are living with a chronic illness, and that, by it's very nature, requires us to allow ourselves this continuous process. If we do not grieve, we do not let go of our disappointments, our frustrations, and our failures. Without this process, we continue to beat up on ourselves for what we're losing, rather than letting it go and finding room for new joys in our lives.

We must grieve. There is no room in this disease for the extra baggage we carry around without grieving. We must allow ourselves to feel these things, and to forgive ourselves for them. We must find a way to forgive this disease for all it's taken from us. And we must find those new joys in spite of the disease, maybe even TO spite it.

To read more, I highly recommend that very first book on chronic illness that I read. It's called, "We Are Not Alone: Learning to Live With Chronic Illness," by Sefra Kobrin Pitzele.